I always knew I would have two kids, a boy and a girl.
It could be because that’s the family structure I know: I have an older brother and there’s me. Historically, we tend to repeat and recreate familiar environment for that sense of safety.
I just didn’t know that in my situation the boy AND the girl would happen in one go!
The year was 2003.
“How many do you want,” I asked my husband, Jim, on the flip phone as I drove away from the first ultrasound at Stanford Fertility clinic.
For some reason, I had to go to the 6-week pregnancy appointment alone that day, a 45 minute drive from our home in Santa Cruz.
“Two!” Jim said enthusiastically on the other line.
My eyes welled up, my voice cracked.
“We’re having two, honey! We’re having twins!” I screamed with tears rolling down my face which made it hard to navigate driving in the rain.
Fast forward 18 years, these said twins will be leaving the nest soon.
I am, naturally, reluctant to release these twin birds. And yet, that is what’s most natural for their evolution and progression.
Suffice to say, I am experiencing what might be pre-grief: that feeling of disbelief, of longing, or sadness in anticipation of the transition.
It’s the juxtaposition experiencing the joy of seeing your children successfully moving forward on their journey and the sorrow of no longer being needed by them.
I’m also experiencing the uncertainty of the future.
What’s life going to be like now? Who am I now to them, to myself, to my husband?
This must be the yin-yang experience that challenges us to embrace the waves of opposing emotions. I can take preventative measures knowing that I get sea sick easily. 😱
Where’s that dramamine for the waves of joy & grief? 😆
Well, I know that ginger is a natural anti-emesis and baking is a natural anti-depressant.
So, let us bake a ginger bread loaf, shall we?
GINGER BREAD LOAF
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