It was a full moon in Leo, the day I had my first job interview as a 46 year old.
I paid a little more attention to what top to wear. I even washed AND dried my hair, something I only do on special occasions which may be 3 times a year.
I wanted to look zoom-presentable.
The irony to the situation was, though I was getting ready for a job interview, I didn’t actually need a job.
I have a job – the one I created for myself years ago.
But still, I was giddy, and curious before I logged into the zoom link sent to me by a brand new company – one that I am certain will succeed marvelously.
The possibility of doing something different and conventional was exciting to my mind.
Could I become like other people?
Could I actually land a job job?
Could someone want me to be a part of their team?
Forty minutes later, I clicked the red button and stared out the window. My eyes landed on the giant snow igloo in the backyard built by our son and his friends last week.
I tried to go over what just happened.
I enjoyed the interview.
It would be a full time job, in person, possibly with benefits in a few months time.
What happened minutes and hours after that felt like a tornado inside of my whole body.
Excitement, confusion, curiosity and doubt were all mixed together in such a way that I didn’t quite know what to think and how to feel.
It was like a recipe I didn’t want to make.
“Let me move my energy so I get clearer about this!” I told my friend who heard about what had just transpired.
I proceeded to move through the day completely disconnected from myself: I ate emotionally, I tried to do laundry and dishes, vacuumed and mopped the floors.
I even went to my actual “job” and poked people with needles.
Is this what midlife crisis looks and feels like?
What am I doing??
My brain took me to that version of Kit with a full time employed job. While she seemed excited to be part of something new, she seemed unhappily trapped and resentful.
Later in the evening, my soul brother, Gyan, offered me an inner voice session. He didn’t even take a no for an answer.
Meet me at 7pm, he texted.
His calming voice took me directly out of my brain, into my lower belly where my inner voice (Sage) lives.
She was present.
Our innervoice is always present.
The first image I received seconds into the session was of the redwood forest – the one Gyan and I walked through together just days before.
Rooted. Grounded. Connected.
Words started filling in the gaps.
The more I exhaled and got still, the better I heard my innervoice, the images became clearer, the feelings emerged and expressed.
I cried and laughed at the same time when the truth of the job interview revealed itself.
I desire to be wanted during this imminent life transition.
I need to be rooted during this uncertainty.
I want to be distracted in a completely new and different way during this joyful yet painful moment I am in my life as a mother.
I subconsciously planned an escape from that uncomfortable place of change.
And the job interview offered me a way out!
Not so fast brain – not so fast.
What do you want to tell Kit right now, Gyan asked my innervoice.
She’s got it all here. She’s rooted, she’s grounded and supported.
Nothing has to change. She just needs herself here, now.
Can you make me the muffins in that running cookbook, Mommy… asked my 18 year old daughter later that evening, after the inner tornado had settled.
Oh why yes, honey. Why yes. Happy to – Yes!
I came back down to earth and joyfully made these muffins for my family – a permanent job I will always be grateful for.
- 1 cup grated zucchini & carrot
- 1 cup almond flour
- 1 cup quick cooking oats
- 1 egg
- ¼ cup olive oil
- ¼ cup almond butter
- ¼ cup maple syrup
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- ½ cup chocolate chips or raisins or both combined
- Dash salt
- Mix everything in a bowl
- Scoop batter into muffin tins, bake at 350F for about 25 mins
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