If you asked me three years ago about my weight story, I would have told you that I didn’t have one.
I was in a healthy body; I have stayed in the same weight range since college; I had never been on a “diet” to lose weight in my life; I ate what I wanted.
I didn’t have a weight story.
I shared the full detail on my recent podcast episode, so you can listen to it there.
But to summarize simply… I do have a weight story now.
It’s embarrassing and vulnerable for me to share it because somehow I feel like I still should not have a weight story.
I didn’t realize that I was on a diet three years ago – I called it a 112-project. I wanted to weigh what I did at my lowest weight again (I was 20 and super stressed).
It was an “impossible goal” I wanted to prove to myself that I could achieve.
I went on a no-flour, no-sugar, no snacking diet.
I did intermittent fasting.
I ate very little grains, or fruit.
I didn’t have much rice (to an Asian, that is NOT okay).
I did it. I succeeded. The scale actually read 111lbs.
In my mind, I saw the red star I used to get as an elementary student from my teachers. Sometimes I’d get 1, sometimes 2, sometimes 3 stars. The more stars the teacher gave, the better student you are.
I saw lots of stars that day when the scale read 111lbs. I didn’t just achieve, I overachieved.
The celebratory moment was a lonely one. I may have told 5 people about it. They all congratulated me as I did myself. The proverbial balloons and confetti soon disappeared and I went back to reality.
The thing about any diet is – whatever you do to achieve your weight goal, you must continue to do to maintain. The way that I achieved my project was not the way I wanted to live the rest of my life. I do like flour and sugar sometimes. I definitely like fruits. I of course LOVE rice. I was not willing to give any of those things up forever.
So naturally, I went back to eating the way I ate before the project began. Naturally the scale started going back to where it was.
And then some.
Panic set in.
My interpretation of the scale number was not a pleasant one. The more it went up, the less red stars I was getting. The inner critic in me started the chatter, questioning my self discipline, my identity as an A student, and more.
I struggled to go “back” to the 112 project.
To no avail.
The fight between the mind (type A student identity) and gut (my inner knowing) began. It would get more fierce the harder I tried to diet my way down again.
The more I judged myself, my eating and behaviors, the more I actually rebelled, ate more, and gained more weight.
I became an accidental dieter and stayed one for a while…
Listen to my podcast episode to hear how the story continues!